Anna Update: One Year and Upcoming Book…

In the last years of Anna’s life she was writing a book titled Belief Becomes You. It is a book about how what we believe about ourselves, good or bad, often becomes who we are. I have spent the last year working on Anna’s book with hopes to complete it by fall 2021. For the next few months I will be releasing excerpts from the book. It seems appropriate to release this first writing on May 12th, one year since Anna took her last breath on earth. 

(In this excerpt Anna is writing about the woman who touched Jesus’ cloak and received healing. Anna identified so much with the woman.)

My guess is that if this woman was anything like me, she wanted her healing to occur in secret. Sneak in, touch the cloak, and sneak away, praising God and going about her life, hoping that no one noticed. That didn’t happen for this woman, and it sure isn’t happening for me. My healing began  when I risked it all and decided to fully open my wounds to Jesus.  

I wrote this in my journal in 2011 : 

“When I think about my ‘sickness,’ my wounds, and my scars, I believe it boils down to not believing I am truly loved unconditionally, but instead, believing at my core that I am bad, unlovable, and damaged, and that I need to be beautiful, competent, capable, and fun in order to be loved and accepted. I fear exposing myself through transparency and vulnerability and I even fear loving others fully for fear of rejection. Deep down I feel that I AM NOT ENOUGH!”  

When Jesus asked me “the question” like He did to the woman in the Gospel story, I knew it was time to engage with Him. I couldn’t try to figure out my life by myself any longer. I was sick of living with my shame. I remember how it went for the sick woman in Mark chapter 5: 

“But he looked all round at their faces to see who had done so. Then the woman, scared and shaking all over because she knew that she was the one to whom this thing had happened, came and flung herself before him and told him the whole story. But he said to her, ‘Daughter, it is your faith that has healed you. Go home in peace, and be free from your trouble.’”(Mark 5: 32-34) 

So like the woman in the story, I came forward, scared and shaking all over, and told Him everything. This gesture was the beginning of my journey toward true healing.

Anna update from Moriah (Mother’s Day)

On Mothers Day last year, I said goodbye to my mom. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Two days earlier, Dad had been told by hospice that Mom would be passing in the next few days. By Mother’s Day, mom was primarily not “with us” and it was just too hard for me to see her like that. I had to say goodbye. 

Earlier in the day, we asked our pastor, Jack, to lead a worship service in our backyard. This was during the pandemic so we had families come into the backyard one by one, take communion, then exit. For about an hour, friends came through while my brother, sister, and I sat in our backyard. Dad and Mom sat just inside the house in full view of the yard. It was a special time, my Mom’s last communion with her family. 

Later that evening, my brother, sister, and I went into the room where Mom was laying in her hospital bed at our home. We each gave Mom a card and a gift and read her cards aloud. After that, I sang a familiar song to Mom, one that I sang in front of a large group a few months after Mom had been diagnosed years earlier. After I sang, I asked Elijah and Hadassah if I could be with Mom and Dad alone. I remember saying, “Momma, I have to do something I never wanted to do. I have to tell you goodbye. It’s too hard to see you like this and I have to say goodbye today. I love you so much. You are the best mom anyone could ever ask for. You have taught me so much and have modeled how to live life. I will miss you so much, momma. I love you.” After I said those words to Mom through tears, I left the room. The next time I saw her was shortly after she took her last breath two days later. I still miss Mom so much, but I am thankful that she is no longer in pain. 
You may have seen it on my Dad’s blog. We wrote Ode to A Fierce Momma and read it to Mom before our communion service that day. Our Mom was simply the best. We miss her so much.