In the last years of Anna’s life she was writing a book titled Belief Becomes You. It is a book about how what we believe about ourselves, good or bad, often becomes who we are. I have spent the last year working on Anna’s book with hopes to complete it by fall 2021. For the next few months I will be releasing excerpts from the book. It seems appropriate to release this first writing on May 12th, one year since Anna took her last breath on earth.
(In this excerpt Anna is writing about the woman who touched Jesus’ cloak and received healing. Anna identified so much with the woman.)
My guess is that if this woman was anything like me, she wanted her healing to occur in secret. Sneak in, touch the cloak, and sneak away, praising God and going about her life, hoping that no one noticed. That didn’t happen for this woman, and it sure isn’t happening for me. My healing began when I risked it all and decided to fully open my wounds to Jesus.
I wrote this in my journal in 2011 :
“When I think about my ‘sickness,’ my wounds, and my scars, I believe it boils down to not believing I am truly loved unconditionally, but instead, believing at my core that I am bad, unlovable, and damaged, and that I need to be beautiful, competent, capable, and fun in order to be loved and accepted. I fear exposing myself through transparency and vulnerability and I even fear loving others fully for fear of rejection. Deep down I feel that I AM NOT ENOUGH!”
When Jesus asked me “the question” like He did to the woman in the Gospel story, I knew it was time to engage with Him. I couldn’t try to figure out my life by myself any longer. I was sick of living with my shame. I remember how it went for the sick woman in Mark chapter 5:
“But he looked all round at their faces to see who had done so. Then the woman, scared and shaking all over because she knew that she was the one to whom this thing had happened, came and flung herself before him and told him the whole story. But he said to her, ‘Daughter, it is your faith that has healed you. Go home in peace, and be free from your trouble.’”(Mark 5: 32-34)
So like the woman in the story, I came forward, scared and shaking all over, and told Him everything. This gesture was the beginning of my journey toward true healing.